July 8, 2011

  • For Hang

    hope this isnt confusing lol.. but i hope it helps somehow.

    v  The first step toward having an intimate relationship that works

    • Key concept: you respect and validate your own emotions.
    • If you don’t care about your emotions, no one will either
    • You don’t go against how you feel emotionally.
    • Enables you to be able to set psychological boundaries between you and another person.
    • Allows you to be emotionally intimate in a relationship.

    v  Two requirements for successful relationship

    • The first requirement is that you are able to take care of yourself financiallyin the adult world.
      • You don’t need another adult for your economic survival.
      • The second requirement is that you are able to live alone emotionally.

    v  Is it love or dependency?

    • When the two requirements are not met, a dependent relationship is formed.
    • Dependency and love/intimacy don’t mix when it comes to an adult relationship.
    • Dependency will imbalance the boundaries
    • You can be temporarily dependent, but if your partner leaves, you can still take care of yourself.

    v  Effects of dependency on a relationship:

    • When an adult is dependent, they develop resentment toward their partner.
    • Resentment poisons the love a couple shares.
    • “I need you, but I hate you because I need you.”
      “Love/Hate” or “Hate/Need” relationship?
    • Very little psychological risk is taken. No risk – no intimacy.

    v  Characteristics of dependent personality type (run away from this type)

    • Inability to take responsibility for their behavior.
    • In denial that they contribute to any kind of personal problems.
    • Tend to blame others for their problems.
    • Unable to listen without being defensive.
    • Flip flop between acting out anger, being remorseful and then “nice.”

     

    v  Communication with Self Transactional Analysis Model

    • Parent
      •  Critical  (socialized rules)
      •  nurturing (accepting, loving, nurturing)
      • Adult
        •  the “Decision Maker”
        • Child
          •  adaptive (to feel secure, avoid conflict) [security: no intimacy] [truth vs. harmony]
          • rebel
          •  natural
          • Parent self talking to child self (talking to yourself)
            • “I should…”
            • “I should not…”
              • Emotion: guilt
    • “I got to…”
    • “I ought to...”
    • “Name calling” (fat, skinny, stupid, idiot, etc.) [creates resistance to change]
    • Acceptance is to produce change
    • Adult says [different from parent]
      • “I want to…”
      • Emotions are “the guide”
      • Child adaptive
        • Wants security, chooses harmony
        • Never tells what he/she want, does not tell the truth
        • Rage builds up, rebels, affair
        • Not leave marriage because of security during affair
        • To produce change
          • Awareness
          • Motivation
          • Acceptance

    v  “Care enough not to care” when it comes to a parent-child dependency relationship

    • Meaning: if you stop doing stuff for the S.O. so he/she can do it for him/herself or take his/her own responsibility for him/herself, it will better him/her as an individual.
      • Or care enough for the S.O. so that he/she can grow on his/her own.
      • In other words, stop babying the person

Comments (4)

  • v  Characteristics of dependent personality type (run away from this type)

    <li>Inability to take responsibility for their behavior.<li>In denial that they contribute to any kind of personal problems.<li>Tend to blame others for their problems.<li>Unable to listen without being defensive.<li>Flip flop between acting out anger, being remorseful and then “nice.”

     lol @  "run away from this type"

    cause all of that is mark.  except the blaming others for his own problems. he doesnt blame anybody.


    this is very useful thank you connie

    i dont know if i can follow it though. i can see some of myself in this too (i've become dependent too ) > <

    do you think it'll be helpful if i convince mark to take the class with me lol

    i should stop babying him

    or break up.

    i dont know =[

  • thanks for typing it up and posting for me xD

  • BREAK UP! nothing changed since you got back together :]. did anything change? at all? he got a job. how about his attitude towards the relationship. i think he just wants to stick around you cuz he's lonely. didn't he go to his past gf before? lol..you sure you're not creating the illusion that things have changed?

  • @ConKhii - umm.. i dunno if you can handle the class cause the second half of the class talks about orgasms and sex and human anatomy with private parts lol. but still.. mark wont change unless he wants to. he wont change for you, he needs to change for himself.

    @tsuki_dragon - i think uly is right, that he wants to stick around cause he's lonely. he feels secure from you already so he feels ok treating you like a jerk. when he feels insecure/jealous, then he will be nice cause he doesnt want to feel the loneliness.

    or maybe is it cause he's just using you for what you do for him? and thats why he doesnt want to lose you. which shouldnt hold you back.

    i think you guys should break up, especially if he's stressing you out for no good reason. you dont need that. youre losing a lot of money cause of him too. let him grow up.

    i know if i was in your position, i would be worried of what would happen to him afterwards.. like how would he get a ride to work/school/outings or wont have a social life anymore. or w/e it is.. but honestly, its not your problem. he'll prolly find a way.

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