May 10, 2012
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few days ago, Jay was mentioning that he feels like he's not himself.. that everything he does isnt him. like going to school [since he hates it], not smoking and still strongly craves it.. i guess in general, not doing what he use to do b4 i came.
but i mean.. i didnt tell him to do any of these things in the first place.
and then he mentioned like he's having a midlife crisis o.O.... he's only 27 years old!! lol..
i forgot what he said.. but i think now he's not ready for marriage [now im definitely not proposing ever lol.. not like i was going to anyways]
ive always told him its up to him in what he wants to do/should do.
he asked me if he started smoking, would i break up with him? or would i just tolerate it?
i told him.. that i wouldnt break up with him but strongly encourage him to quit.. and that if he continues, ill be sad and wouldnt kiss/hug him until he washes himself.
and then he asks why i would put up with it.. and that it would make sense that i should break up with him if im not happy cause why would you stay in a relationship if youre not happy.
i think he's sad because i wouldnt be able to accept who he really is.. and he said that im too good for him... wha??? o.O
but then it made me think that maybe he doesnt accept how I AM. and then i started thinking and started crying. he asked why i was crying and i said that i felt like he's just going to be like my other exes and take me for granted and not see how good we are already. and then i was depressed the rest of the day -_-.. when i started crying, he held on to me tighter and says he loves me.
eventually i went to escape my reality by sniffin coke.. haha jk. but i escaped reality by watching kdrama xD
i later asked him how we would split everything IF we were to break up @.@... it would be sooo complicated lol!!.. he said he just wants the tv haha xD.. and that he would pay me for it still.
i think this conversation made me feel more cautious in our relationship. i still trust him and love him and would still marry him if we go that far. but for now, ill love him for the moment and continue to love him.
and if it turns out we weren't meant for each other, ill do as i always do. go thru my phase of depression, and get over it cause life goes on. and then go thru my phase of "ill never go out ever again! boys are stupid! ill just date and dump".... haha!
anyways, after that day, things were still normal and we're still lovey dovey to each other.
Comments (4)
aww.. :/
yah its hard when you have to change yourself to be compatible with the other person >,< or he should think of it as for his future benefit or for his children.. ^^ iono haha.
weird that he craves smoking a lot lately [seems like hes been bringing it up a lot cause your entries have mentioned it more frequently as opposed to a year ago] . has he been suppressing it all this time or is it the stress??
what the heck!
most of my comment disappeared .. thats why my comment doesnt make sense [the benefit thing] but im too lazy to retype cause its 3am and im sleepy
sucks cuz like, smoking is only bad cuz of he smoke and not the nicotine but not having all the smoke takes away from the smoking experience. but hopefully thingsll be okay. nobody wants to to go to school but people want to go out with someone with a stable future and school usually leads us in that direction
aw, this blog makes me sad. NOOO DONT BREAK UP!
man that's what adrian told me too, he said that he wanted himself back.but you guys are different! maybe jay's just overwhelmed... but I like how jay said he'll take the TV if that happens! hahahha....at least you guys talked about it, its not like an outrageous burst that one wants to break up already. you guys are cool together.. man I thought he already forgot about smoking...why was that thing ever invented!!! makes me MAD! It's a stupid craving!! Jay should be craving for like cookies! not cigarettes! lol.. What I really like the most though is when you said this.. i like that!!
ill love him for the moment and continue to love him...♥!
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